An Unexpected Prism

A few weeks ago, me and the kids were outside watering some newly planted shrubs. At the angle I was using the hose, looking down, I could see a rainbow. I understand the science behind this phenomenon but it still made me smile and then I wanted to show the children. Only at their angle they couldn't see this rainbow. We had to look at it just right. The water refracts the sunlight at just the right angle, depending on the viewers perspective, as to present the spectrum of colors found in white light. Our perspective in this moment had everything to do with seeing a rainbow or seeing nothing but water from the hose. And in this moment I felt God's presence sharing his wisdom. This is the point. If we look at things just right, tilting our head or peering through the correct lens, we can see the light instead of just the ordinary. If we look at something in just the right way, we can see His light in the strangest of places. And this is the basis from which Brian and I are coping.

I was not raised in the church, necessarily. Brian is the one in our house who was involved in church his whole life. He was in youth groups and involved in service projects. He knows and can quote the bible way more then I ever could. My brother and I were raised Catholic and went to Sunday school for many years. But I always felt like a stranger visiting. My mom, being divorced and Catholic, would bring us to church from time to time but we could tell that she herself was limited in her "participation" within the church.  It was what is was.  But my parents brought us up to believe in God and that Jesus loves us. However, it wasn't until I married Brian and became part of the Methodist church that I felt more at home coming to church and I began to learn more about my own faith. What did I believe?  What did I want to believe? Everyone is different and I learned that my personality aligned more with the way our hometown Methodist church "spoke" to me. But even then, I had fears and doubts about what the bible said. I wondered a lot about all these "rules" for going to heaven. Wanting to believe there was something after life so great because Gods love for us but I worried perhaps many people here on earth were not doing what they should to get to this kingdom. Was I one of them?  I have sinned and some of these sins I even have a hard time forgiving, could God forgive me? Even my doubts about Jesus and my questioning of biblical teachings, is this forgivable? Is loving and trying to be a good person, doing the will of God enough? And then Charlotte got sick. And I had a brief moment where I wondered if we were being punished. Could it have been because of me and my sins, my inadequacies, my doubts have caused this? But honestly, God's grace saved me from staying in that mindset for long. I realized that this journey is an example of his love. I am being brought closer to Him then I could have ever imagined. I feel as if I know Him, even though I have so much more to learn. I realized we could have stayed ordinary going on through life experiencing the happiness that we could understand and perceive, but He had bigger plans for us. We are experiencing and perceiving something greater here. We are forever changed no matter what happens. I fell apart like a puzzle, but my pieces were put back together in a different arrangement. My new angle bends the light in such a way that I will never see the ordinary the same way again. I see the light in the most unexpected places. Is this what we are suppose to see? And it's taken this tragedy turned inspiration to give me this angle? Are we one of the lucky ones then and is that why I feel so compelled to document this journey? As humans we always need a reason to understand why something happens, so am I just reaching so that I feel this extraordinary presence here with us?

There is a mother I see from time to time at the children's hospital. She is the only one I have spoken to at length. I'm drawn to her. Their story is different but the same. 2 years old. Cancer. Long road ahead.  Uncertain prognosis. There are cultural is differences between us. They are from India and we have some similarities and some differences while coping. But I look forward to seeing her and her son. She cried to me once saying how she asked God what did she ever do to have her son be going through something like this. I sat and listened. We cried. I nodded just trying to be an ear. It wasn't the right time for me to share how I too had that fleeting thought but how I have realized we were being shown love and not punishment. That adverse times can create an opportunity for us to understand and feel closer to God. And when I needed it most, God reached out and showed me his love. I wonder if she will get to a place where she can understand that, or a place where I could tell her my thoughts about this. And then I remembered about my mind set early on when we were first diagnosed. And how I pleaded when I prayed. Because my prayers were contingent on me getting my own way. Like a child saying "I will do this only if you do that." I will do what you ask God, if you just make my baby get better. Please just a save her and I can handle whatever you throw our way. I cried to Him saying I could do this and more but only if he made her better. And if he didn't, if she didn't get better, then I could never understand. I would never be ok. That my love and understanding was contingent on the outcome I wanted--the only outcome I could understand. But I am changed. In these past 4 months, my perspective has changed. No matter what happens in this life, for the first time in my life, I feel like I truly know God. I truly know there is something more beautiful and greater then I could ever imagine. And I still have many questions and doubts about this life and the life after, about God and Jesus and the bible, but I am learning every day about Gods love and what it can do. I am not a doubter but a "wonderer". And He helped me tilt my head just right so I could see the light in such a way that I see more then I could of before. And He guides me so I can share this journey that is ever evolving with those who love us. For when I search for meaning behind what Charlotte is going through, I know it isn't to help me learn important life lessons and wisdom. She is more important then that. But her life will have many purposes, just like all of us have lives with many purposes, and at the age of 2 she has been a gift from God (like all children are) in the most unexpected way. She had shown me the light. And perhaps, I am meant to write it down.