A tough start but Charlotte shares her gift today and every day
3/27: I wonder. If everybody had to fight this hard to live, how would they see each day? What would they do and how would they choose to feel each day they are given? Would they chose to spend energy complaining or rejoicing, hating or loving, helping or avoiding, fearing or learning, coveting or sharing? If everyone got to experience the climb these kids like Charlotte have to make, would the view at the top be all that more rewarding?
Today was not how I imagined. Brian and I were not prepared to see Charlotte in the pain she was in as her body along side this therapy attacked her own nerve cells while trying to seek and destroy the cancer. Today was a day to find the "sweet spot" where the morphine is at a dose that helps keep her comfortable but what has been required has basically knocked her out. She struggles to stay conscious. In addition, fevers are spiking as her body is in this attack mode. She went from happily playing toys and painting this morning to excruciating pain moments later when the infusion began to kick in. To get through this, I have to visualize 2 things. The first, is a video game being played inside my baby girl where diseased cells are being attacked by her immune system, points are being scored, and she earns the extra life. The second, is her coming home on Friday feeling all better and ready to continue to grow and bloom in spring. She will have 3 weeks home before round 2. God please infuse us with strength to endure this as you infuse our baby girl with your grace, mercy and healing hands.
Charlotte's suffering is not her gift. It's what she does with her suffering that is the gift. There were 6 people in the room today at the peak of her suffering. She grabbed my hand, lifted her head up and used all the energy she could muster these words "Mommy? I love you." My head fell to her lap and I could hardly hold back my tears but it scares her to see me cry so I tried to choke them back. This is what she does with her gift. She shares her love while sharing Gods. She gave me this gift I guess I needed to hear. She help to push my own fears or selfish bitterness aside with her love. She gives us gratitude.
3/28: I wrote the update above yesterday when I started feeling a little down at watching Charlotte endure pain again. I guess I hoped she would skate on through so badly that my expectations set me up for a little disappointment. I'm embarrassed to say bitterness started to creep in. Today, gratitude is chasing those feelings away. I saw an emergency situation where the team and staff here had to rush into a room this morning when I stepped out of our room to get a cup of coffee. I felt sad that Charlotte was still feeling so awful but then my thoughts turned to this family whose world is lying in that room and is battling what I cannot imagine at the moment. My prayers turned to them and their child. Perspective appears when we need it most. Charlotte will have a tough week here in the hospital but then she'll feel better and come home. She is having many of the tough side effects but she is tolerating the antibody treatments and her immune system is in attack mode. This is what we hoped for. She's fighting. Fighting cancer isn't suppose to be easy.
But I still want to include the post above that I wrote yesterday as all of this is a piece of the journey. And she is giving so many gifts in the process.
Today is a new day. With new gifts to receive. New battles to fight. New hope to find
Today was not how I imagined. Brian and I were not prepared to see Charlotte in the pain she was in as her body along side this therapy attacked her own nerve cells while trying to seek and destroy the cancer. Today was a day to find the "sweet spot" where the morphine is at a dose that helps keep her comfortable but what has been required has basically knocked her out. She struggles to stay conscious. In addition, fevers are spiking as her body is in this attack mode. She went from happily playing toys and painting this morning to excruciating pain moments later when the infusion began to kick in. To get through this, I have to visualize 2 things. The first, is a video game being played inside my baby girl where diseased cells are being attacked by her immune system, points are being scored, and she earns the extra life. The second, is her coming home on Friday feeling all better and ready to continue to grow and bloom in spring. She will have 3 weeks home before round 2. God please infuse us with strength to endure this as you infuse our baby girl with your grace, mercy and healing hands.
Charlotte's suffering is not her gift. It's what she does with her suffering that is the gift. There were 6 people in the room today at the peak of her suffering. She grabbed my hand, lifted her head up and used all the energy she could muster these words "Mommy? I love you." My head fell to her lap and I could hardly hold back my tears but it scares her to see me cry so I tried to choke them back. This is what she does with her gift. She shares her love while sharing Gods. She gave me this gift I guess I needed to hear. She help to push my own fears or selfish bitterness aside with her love. She gives us gratitude.
3/28: I wrote the update above yesterday when I started feeling a little down at watching Charlotte endure pain again. I guess I hoped she would skate on through so badly that my expectations set me up for a little disappointment. I'm embarrassed to say bitterness started to creep in. Today, gratitude is chasing those feelings away. I saw an emergency situation where the team and staff here had to rush into a room this morning when I stepped out of our room to get a cup of coffee. I felt sad that Charlotte was still feeling so awful but then my thoughts turned to this family whose world is lying in that room and is battling what I cannot imagine at the moment. My prayers turned to them and their child. Perspective appears when we need it most. Charlotte will have a tough week here in the hospital but then she'll feel better and come home. She is having many of the tough side effects but she is tolerating the antibody treatments and her immune system is in attack mode. This is what we hoped for. She's fighting. Fighting cancer isn't suppose to be easy.
But I still want to include the post above that I wrote yesterday as all of this is a piece of the journey. And she is giving so many gifts in the process.
Today is a new day. With new gifts to receive. New battles to fight. New hope to find
Trying to stay conscious but the meds to combat side effects knock her out
Our job seems to small. We hold her hand. Try to help her smile when she can
Pain
Her Minnie love in one hand and her PCA (morphine button) in the other.
Praying -- God please infuse the Reynolds with strength to endure this treatment as you infuse their sweet baby girl with your grace, mercy and healing hands.<3
ReplyDeletePrayers for our little warrior to continue to fight on and know she is loved and prayed for by so many.
ReplyDeleteHeavenly Father , please reduce her pain and give Brian and Jennifer strength to endure this time with her
Love
Pops