Buying Time
Buying time.
There are many parents being told that they are just buying time. Their child's cancer continuing to remain or grow despite treatment. They are left with difficult decisions to make regarding which treatment could benefit without doing tremendous harm. Quality of life decisions. Trying to answer the question of what gives them a good chance for more time without causing damage that would shorten their time or impact the precious days that remain.
As I write this, parents are hearing those words, sorting through those decisions and the grief that accompanies. There are two in particular. I have grown attached, my heart pulled towards both Elijah and Beckham. I have written occasionally about Beckham, but not as much because his family is a bit more private and shares only on occasion. Beckham is 11 and very close with his sister Navy who is just about 1 year younger then him. I spent some occasional time with them while at MSK over our time in treatment there, but it is this family's spirit that drew me in. When I picture strength beyond all understanding, I see this family who has endured more then even I could imagine. This cancer keeps trying to knock them all down....but they keep getting back up again. And even as of this recent relapse (he has been through 6...), when all hope seems to be fading...this mother finds words that pierced my heart. And she is absolutely correct. Beckham's mom, after being told that everything they need to consider is meant to just buy them time, says these words to the oncologist:
"You are right. We are just buying time. But isn't that what we have been doing this whole time...what we ALL are doing every day?"
Every day we all wake up and make decisions and choices that hopefully just add precious time within our lives. How long is not up to us. Fighting cancer or not...this is all of our human reality. This mother was able to voice beyond her own grief and fear and utter heartbreak, that trying to add time is actually the plan all along. And aren't we all? Maybe we get to add 80 years to a the life of a child fighting cancer and call it a cure? Maybe we get to add 1 year that you wouldn't trade back for a billion dollars. When Charlotte relapsed, even Brian and I discussed how as scary as recurrent neuroblastoma is, any progress is also buying time for more targeted treatment to be developed so that these kids can truly move beyond their disease. We have bought her time all along. Through every painful and gut wrenching moment and decison, we have been brought to this moment in time with so many precious days sprinkled along the way. All the rainbows after and amid the rain.
And this is the reality for us all. So, Beckham's mom will choose treatment that can continue to add time without causing harm. She doesn't pretend to know the outcome and never speaks about losing him. Instead, she never tries to guess the ending since his story is being written anew every single day. All of our stories are being written as we wake, every single day. If we try to guess God's ending, he probably just smiles because I think He likes surprises. And what if his surprise isn't in the complete healing of the Beckham's and the Elijah's of the world like a tidy end to some fairy tale. What if His surprises are encountered within the steps and special moments experienced while being a part of this special journey called life.
The only question is, what do we choose to buy with our time while we are here.
And how can we help God continue to write our story because I tend to think God likes a little creative human input. Lord knows He's gotten a lot of input from me;)
Elijah’s treatment has bought him time to hold a baby sloth an an interactive zoo this past weekend. All that Beckham has endured bought him a neighborhood nerf gun battle for his recent 11th birthday. When each of us wake, fighting a battle of some kind or not, we get to choose what we buy with our time. Oh these kids wish they had a different currency of course, but you bet your bottom dollar they maximize the time they are buying every single day. And maybe it buys them 80 years and we call it a cure. Maybe it buys their family another year of having them here. We don’t get to choice the time but we can choose what we do with the time we are gifted.
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