The little black dress
Today was rough, but it’s over. The first day of each round can be tough. Today Charlotte’s blood pressures were dropping to dangerously low levels which caused us to pause her infusion to manage and let them return to a normal level. Because her blood pressure was so low, she was losing consciousness and it was not safe to give her the strong pain narcotic rescues during the infusions which meant she didn’t get as much relief as my momma heart hoped for but none of this is uncommon and she did very well and over came it all. I carried her back to the RMH during a pretty snow fall where we rested and relaxed watching the snow fall the rest of the day. She also tested positive for an upper respiratory cold virus which could impact her ability to recover and bounce back this week but we shall see. She is likely to feel much better tomorrow on her day off of treatment.
During times like this, where you might walk by faith and not necessarily by sight, sometimes we get a glimpse of something visual because, after all, we are only human and our sight is one of our senses we use to detect our surroundings. And although Brian and I have NEEDED to walk by faith and not by what we are seeing during this journey, we are currently seeing something transformative and it’s pretty special. Not only is Charlotte’s cute little head growing her soft and pretty hair back, but for the first time in over 5 months since she’s been back in treatment and has lost that hair, losing some confidence and assurance in the process, she asked to wear a dress. This might not seem like a big deal but her closet is full of dresses that she use to love to wear. This was part of her carefree personality. Going to target: floor length dress. Taking a walk to the park: slipped on a twirly skirt. Going to church: little heels, jewelry, and a matching purse. It. Didn’t. Matter. The girl LOVED clothes and jewelry and dressing up and lip gloss and nail polish and hair accessories and all things girly. But the moment the port was placed and she went back into treatment and lost her hair again, that identity seemed to have been taken from her. But you guys, a couple nights ago we were getting dressed to go to a Christmas musical in Raleigh and she asked to put on a dress. This little black velvet dress that was a hand me down of Taylor’s. My heart skipped a beat and I tried to be nonchalant for fear she would change her mind if she was given too much attention over dressing up, but our hearts sang! Not because we care what she wears or how she looks. But because we care how she FEELS about herself. This cancer takes and takes, but when we see her overcome and regain anything lost, then that type of seeing is believing. We believe Charlotte is not only overcoming this disease, but she is reclaiming her confidence and self assurance. I decided not to mourn the little girl that will never be because we have the Charlotte WHO IS and she is right here blossoming in front of us amid it all. In spite of it all. BECAUSE of it all. Thank you God for leading us not by sight but by our faith in you. And for throwing us a little bone every once in a while. Seeing Charlotte’s proud and easy smile while strutting her stuff in a little black velvet dress, Santa Claus leggings, a white faux fur coat, a velvet necklace, and new leopard print boots (thanks Stalnaker family!) was a beautiful reminder that our little girl, like so many, will come to do things in her own time and in her own way. She is happy and finding herself in all kinds of unexpected places while on this journey. Isn’t it a sight to behold?
During times like this, where you might walk by faith and not necessarily by sight, sometimes we get a glimpse of something visual because, after all, we are only human and our sight is one of our senses we use to detect our surroundings. And although Brian and I have NEEDED to walk by faith and not by what we are seeing during this journey, we are currently seeing something transformative and it’s pretty special. Not only is Charlotte’s cute little head growing her soft and pretty hair back, but for the first time in over 5 months since she’s been back in treatment and has lost that hair, losing some confidence and assurance in the process, she asked to wear a dress. This might not seem like a big deal but her closet is full of dresses that she use to love to wear. This was part of her carefree personality. Going to target: floor length dress. Taking a walk to the park: slipped on a twirly skirt. Going to church: little heels, jewelry, and a matching purse. It. Didn’t. Matter. The girl LOVED clothes and jewelry and dressing up and lip gloss and nail polish and hair accessories and all things girly. But the moment the port was placed and she went back into treatment and lost her hair again, that identity seemed to have been taken from her. But you guys, a couple nights ago we were getting dressed to go to a Christmas musical in Raleigh and she asked to put on a dress. This little black velvet dress that was a hand me down of Taylor’s. My heart skipped a beat and I tried to be nonchalant for fear she would change her mind if she was given too much attention over dressing up, but our hearts sang! Not because we care what she wears or how she looks. But because we care how she FEELS about herself. This cancer takes and takes, but when we see her overcome and regain anything lost, then that type of seeing is believing. We believe Charlotte is not only overcoming this disease, but she is reclaiming her confidence and self assurance. I decided not to mourn the little girl that will never be because we have the Charlotte WHO IS and she is right here blossoming in front of us amid it all. In spite of it all. BECAUSE of it all. Thank you God for leading us not by sight but by our faith in you. And for throwing us a little bone every once in a while. Seeing Charlotte’s proud and easy smile while strutting her stuff in a little black velvet dress, Santa Claus leggings, a white faux fur coat, a velvet necklace, and new leopard print boots (thanks Stalnaker family!) was a beautiful reminder that our little girl, like so many, will come to do things in her own time and in her own way. She is happy and finding herself in all kinds of unexpected places while on this journey. Isn’t it a sight to behold?
Beautiful! and... "I decided not to mourn the little girl that will never be because we have the Charlotte WHO IS and she is right here blossoming in front of us amid it all. In spite of it all. BECAUSE of it all." WOW Yes!
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