The old bag of rice

I got a bee in my bonnet last week and decided the entire house is full of clutter. Brian of course silently nods because he has been telling me this for as long as I can remember. But it is just like me to walk past a pile of something for months and then one day it seems to annoy me that this pile of clutter is there and so I dive in neck deep into a massive organization and declutterization (is that a word?? It should be) project that takes over every nook and cranny and room in our house, creating a “momnado” effect that is felt far and wide. The first area of my attack: the pantry. I discarded and reorganized and cleaned the shelves, arranging items in new shelf locations, putting some things into air tight containers complete with chalk marker labels. During this “declutterazation” because I couldn’t stand the state of our pantry a moment longer and so it must be done right then and there, I found an old bag of brown rice. I remembered this bag because it moved here with us from our last house 5 years ago. It came with us because this was our ”wet cell phone” emergency system. Either one of us or one of our cherubs has dropped our phones into water several times and this bag of rice saved them, soaking up all the moisture and returning the phones to proper order. I am such a saver by nature and so it was no surprise when I found this at the back of the pantry. We hadn’t used it in several years! I decided it was high time to throw this gem away. I announced it to Brian who was relaxing in the other room and letting me do what I was strangely enjoying and had been needing to be done for some time. We joked saying because I’m tossing this, Murphy’s law states one of us will drop our phone in water again soon and curse ourselves that we didn’t save our old trusty bag of rice. Isn’t that how it always works? Is that why it’s a popular saying: don’t jinx it.

After the pantry job was complete and looking more like one of those catalogs where you wonder who lives there (and let’s face it, it’s only a matter of time before it starts to go down hill again because this is our life and our busy life with 3 young children does not lend itself to having a fully functionally operating pristine pantry and that’s ok by me until one day it dawns on me we are living in complete clutter again and then this process starts over😆), I moved on to this little nook adjacent to our kitchen. I love this nook. It has a homework nook area with 2 desks and cabinets for arts and crafts and a space for our piano with a built in bookshelf all around it. Well, the entire room needs a decluttering atleast a few times a year but in this case it was a shelf in the bookcase area I was focused on. The shelves are all somewhat organized: kids fiction, kids nonfiction, kids magazines subscriptions I keep, classics, favorite books Brian and I have decided to keep, books on travel and self help and parenting, cook books, coloring books and art paper, and finally, the shelf that use to be mine but has become Charlotte’s medical papers and binder section. 

I’ve wanted to throw away most of what was on that shelf for a while now. But some of the things I knew we would want to keep and so I knew sorting would be involved. Amid the shelf clutter were items easy to throw away: old discharge papers and lab results and medicine info etc. I also found books given to us by social workers on caring for a child with a life threatening disease, cancer guide books, and how to answer your children’s questions about cancer. I found some old gems like a picture Taylor and Parker has drawn of Charlotte in the hospital shortly after diagnosis. I found a checklist I created to help Taylor and Parker help their grandparents while I was away so much during both transplants and for the month we moved away to Philly for radiation. I found Alex’s Lemonade Stands Super Sibs welcome letter. I found protocol keep sakes and instructions that I know (and hope) one day will be a distant memory for Brian and I and no memory for Charlotte. I thought perhaps she would want to see these someday when she learns all that was involved with the treatment that saved her life. So as I was sorting and remembering, I came across an unremarkable Manila envelope with a little note attached from Katie, a child life specialist we immediately bonded with after diagnosis. I opened it and a time in our life that I had buried came flooding to the surface. I took a deep breath and I remembered. The titles of the information inside were “Talking with your children about death”, and “How children view and cope with death.”

Now those who have been with us since the beginning know there was not a single day we believed we were losing Charlotte but that everyday was a step towards saving her. When I was given this information it wasn’t because Brian and I were preparing what we should do to help Taylor and Parker should we lose Charlotte. But in these early days after diagnosis and beginning treatment, Taylor asked about her sister and death all the time. She became somewhat preoccupied with the notion and we didn’t know if how we were handling it was right. I told Katie about this and she gave me this info to help us. I remember reading through this and somewhere in my mind I remember thinking I should keep this “just in case.” 

Just in case....I can hardly even go there, it is so painful. Just in case what? In case we lose Charlotte? In case Taylor keeps asking these questions no parent should have to field? In case Parker needs this too as he grows in awareness? In case Charlotte needs to understand what is happening to her or maybe to a sick friend she might make while going through all of this? I don’t know what my “just in case” was for back then and I don’t want to. I don’t want to know any of it. And I write this now with tears welling up because I don’t want to keep it for “just in case” anymore. But like that damn bag of rice, I’m afraid to throw it away. I’m afraid to make any moves, it seems. The believer in me is shouting “TOSS IT GIRL AND DON’T LOOK BACK!”, while the worrier in me wants to quietly tuck it away and not acknowledge why. In the end, I know it doesn’t matter what I do as far as it effecting any outcome. Toss it, keep it, use it for a s’mores fire pit. It doesn’t matter. Throwing away our bag of old rice today doesn’t mean we will drop our phones in water tomorrow. Throwing away (or burning!) papers that discuss our worst fears doesn’t mean they will come true. Yet I still remained paralyzed. And I understand now that this paralyzed feeling is a piece of who I am right now. Charlotte keeps going and moving you all. She’s doing amazing. Taylor and Parker are flourishing and blooming into these amazing kids. Brian and I may be just a little behind them still and God is helping us catch up. Sometimes we are frozen in fear, afraid to make any sudden moves for fear of shifting the tides. It may seem silly, but it is a reality for me. Fear still lives within me even though I don’t always acknowledge it out loud. We have scans in a month. These scans mark 1 year off treatment and you all, they are a HUGE Milestone. We are also preparing for her big Make A Wish Trip to Disney in a couple weeks. She will start preschool next week. She has started a tap/ballet class. She joined 4-5s soccer team this fall. She is LIVING and so joyful and happy and full of spirit. This is Charlotte y’all:

First soccer practice slash game, she cried. She wouldn’t play. She was intimidated. I missed it as I was out of town on a special college girlfriends weekend away trip. Saturday, her second attempt, what started as tears because she was afraid and felt behind, slower, less experienced, turned into a little girl who scored a goal in the first game she’s played in. I have no words to describe what it meant to see her out there, smiling after tears, feeling so proud of herself, trying everything this beautiful life has to offer. It is her turn you guys. Mommy (and maybe even daddy at times), may have some buried fears but not this girl. She is living full throttle and showing us all Gods grace, face, and love as she does. Thanks for your continued prayers as we count down until her 1 year scans. But first, first let’s get this girl on her special Wish Trip!

#Charlottestrong